Granny was a lady. A Southern Belle. But everyone knows that true Southern Belles are fearless. (Let the record reflect that BECAUSE of that, I am NOT a Southern Belle, lol)
Nothing scared her or bothered her. Granny took things at face value. She didn't let her imagination take over and creep her out...if a situation came up, she handled it....like a BOSS! (LOL) Don't get me wrong, she was a total drama queen at times, but it was dependent on the situation.....
When my sister was two years old, so was everyone and everything else.
"Wendy, How old are you?" asked ANYONE
" Two" she would say.
"How old is April?' asked ANYONE
"Two" Wendy would say.
She was a complete tomboy. She loved turtles. Many times while we were younger, my mom would have to stop the car if a turtle was on the road and we (lots of times ME) would have to get out of the car and get it, and it was Wendy's new pet. (I could write on and on about this, but this is The World According To Granny.....) In 1987, when I was nine and Wendy was two, she had the cutest little tiny yellow belly turtle (Red Eared Slider for all you technical folks). And, as expected, he was also "Two years old"....matter of fact she named him "Two".
At home, Wendy carried poor Two around like he was a toy or doll. She would bathe him in the bathroom sink, push him around on toy cars, even put him in the center of the handlebars of her tricycle. Poor thing. So, it should come as no surprise that Two spent most of his life hiding completely inside his shell.
One day, after some traumatizing event he had gone through, poor Two had hidden himself inside of his shell, refusing to come out, probably wishing for death rather than the torture of a two year old tomboy. This upset Wendy so much that she cried. I thought it was pretty funny. My mom tried, to no avail, to get him out of his shell.
So Granny said "Aw! Give him here! I'll get him out!" I should probably mention here that Granny had the most beautiful set of long, healthy nails her whole life. No matter how hard she worked with her hands, she was almost known for her beautiful, natural nails, especially in times of Press On Nails...then later false acrylic tips. Anyway, Granny grabs poor Two in one hand, and with her right hand, stuck her long nailed index finger right up the turtle's rear end, and out he came! Startled, all four limbs, his head and his tail popped out! My mom laughed so hard, I"ll never forget that day. All Granny said was "Well!....Y'all wanted him out, huh?"
Another more recent time, Christmas Day of 2009, the boys and I had a rabbit. We had been at Granny's for a few days for the Christmas Holiday, enjoying the company of my Uncle Art, my cousin Robert and his son Kyle. We would run home every day to check on the rabbit and feed her. On Christmas Day, that afternoon, Max and I went home to check on the house, and feed the rabbit, and Max came out and said "Mom, I think she is dead. She isn't moving and she's stiff."
So, me, being the big chicken I am of course could not go into the house and see for myself.
"Max, go and get her out of the cage and put her in a trashbag!" I said.
"I'm not touching her!" said Max (there is no doubt that this is my child)
Off we went, back to Granny's, hoping Michael would take care of this problem. So much for having sons...."And you want ME to touch it?!?!" exclaimed my little man of the house.
"What's the matter?" asked Granny
"Granny, we went home to feed the rabbit and she is dead!" I said
"Oh, no! What y'all gonna do, Puh?" asked Granny
" I don't know....nobody wants to touch her, but I have to get her out of the house". I said, holding back tears, I loved that rabbit.
Granny: " Aw! Let's go over there, Come on! I'll get that rabbit outta there in a New York minute!" (poor Granny, her and her little phrases, lol)
Me: " Granny, you can't get up those stairs alone."
Granny: "Well, what?! You're not gonna come in the house? You're that
scared? You ought to be ashamed! Grown woman like you!"
Michael: " I'll go in with her, but I'm not touching the rabbit!"
So, off we go, Me - a 32 year old fierce single mom, Michael and Max (11 and 9 years old respectively --and boys, to boot!) and an 83 year old feisty Cajun lady piled up in the car like The Clampetts to go and fetch the cold, stiff, dead rabbit from my home, so that I could live there again. Upon pulling up in the driveway, I look at Michael and see that he is trying to put on a brave front, but at the same time having no shame whatsoever that he refuses to touch a dead animal,
True to her word, once she hobbled up the steps of my porch and into my house, less than a minute later, she returned holding a long, stiff, white dead rabbit by the neck.
"Michael, get a trashbag!" I yell from the car, because I can't even get out, I'm so petrified.
"And hurry up! It's cold out here!" hollered Granny.
"It's cold out here!" that was her only worry. Cold meant Pneumonia to her, lol. Nevermind that there was a dead pet rodent in her hands. She bagged my rabbit in two trashbags and gave her a proper burial in my trashcan at the road. Hobbled back into the house to wash her hands and got back into the car, smoothed her hair and said "Well, that's that."
Yep, Granny, that was that. You were dainty at times. Beautiful and elegant, tender and loving, but tough as nails when you had to be. And God knows that there were many times that you had to be. I wish I could have been your hero, the way you were mine. I wish I could have done an eighth of the good for you that you did for me. I wish I could have protected you from things that scared you, even though not much scared you at all. You were brave beyond belief. You were an absolute riot. I miss you so much I cant even put it into words. What in the world am I supposed to do without you?
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Caregiver Burnout
Caregiver burnout (noun) WebMD states that caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned. Burnout can occur when caregivers don't get the help they need or if they try to do more than they are able -- either financially or physically. Caregivers who are "burned out" may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression. Many caregivers also feel guilty if they spend time on themselves rather than on their ill or elderly loved ones. Or, in my case, guilty for feeling burned out.
My Granny was the greatest woman who ever lived...at least in my eyes. She took care of her younger siblings, then children of her own, then me and a few of my generation, then my own kids. She never complained about the care she gave anyone. She never fatigued. Those in her care always felt loved and cared for. She was a natural nurturer.
She was the kind of woman who, when you woke up, had breakfast cooked and coffee made and had already started her lunch/supper. By the time I would awaken, this woman had already cleaned her house, cooked, watched the news, fed the birds and was ready to serve your plate to you when you got up.
She was very independent and rarely asked for help. I think she was in her very late 70's before she started asking me to help her with the harder tasks in her apartment. On Saturdays when I was off, Id scrub her tub and toilet and clean her light fixtures...she still had the rest sewn up, well into her eighties. It really wasn't until we moved to Texas (myself and my kids had to make an emergency move here when I had gotten sick and needed to be near my mom and sister and Granny came a couple weeks later) that Granny did not run a household of her own. I remember being in my early 20s, full of energy and bringing up a baby and a toddler and this woman ran circles around me.
This is why it was so hard to accept when Granny became dependent on us. It wasn't that I couldn't or didn't want to help her, it was just foreign to me. Don't get me wrong, on one hand it was the most natural thing to do...on the other, I resented her for getting old and helpless. I guess I knew (even though I never really accepted it) she was on her way out....and I HATED it. This also changed our relationship some. I regret that, but I didn't know how to deal with it. Sure its easy to sit here and say that if I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would. It would be the easiest thing in the world to do, especially knowing which day would be her last. Savoring every moment of our time, asking her every question I wish I'd asked...but I cant do that...so I have to live with the way things ended.
A little over a month prior to her death, Granny had a rough weekend. She could hardly walk. She slept in the garage on the Friday night. (No, really, she did.) Her couch, from her apartment was in my garage and she would sit on it to smoke. Earlier that night she got mad at me because I asked her to stop smoking in the house so she decided that she would sleep on the couch -- in the garage-- "Where I can feel like a human bean (being)!" She hated relying on anyone...I think, especially me, since I was her grandbaby.
I kept standing at the doorway of the garage (that is connected to and part of the house...relax, lol) pleading for her to come inside and she would just say "No, Puh, I'm comfortable on this couch, my bed makes my back hurt, just bring Granny a blanket." So, finally, I just brought her a heavy quilt, left the garage light on and the door that connected it to the house open, left my bedroom door open and finally just went to bed. (I've been in the garage ONCE since she died....only because I had to show the gas man the water heater)
The next morning (Saturday) she seemed okay, but something was off. I'm a nurse, but its hard to see things when its your own family member, especially one so close to you. She was walking even more unsteadily (she refused a walker, but had a cane) and complained of her left leg hurting more than usual. I kept giving her meds for pain and rubbing Biofreeze on it, but a few hours later it was hurting again. She fell that night. She never admitted it, saying " Aw, guh, I laid down on the floor to rest!" but I got up in the middle of the night and found her on her bedroom floor. Trying to be calm about it, I just assessed that she could move all of her extremeties, did not have a head injury and resolved to take her to the doctor's office on Monday.
Things just progressively got worse on Sunday. All of that day, her walking got worse. I think some part of me tried to ignore it. (she'd die, no pun intended, if she knew that I was telling this part of the story, but....) The stench of urine was very strong. If you're a nurse, you know what I mean. It wasn't old stale urine, it was fresh urine, but it had that distinct "UTI" odor to it. WHY DIDN'T I JUST TAKE HER TO THE ER THEN?!?!?!?!?! Well, its because there was just no way anything serious could be wrong with my Granny!
Late that afternoon, after several pain med doses and biofreeze rubs, I knew I had to get her to shower. Granny HATED bathing at this point. Her whole life, she was very clean, its not that she didn't want to be clean, its that it was just such a hard task. (I will have to blog another time about the day I bought her a shower chair, omg, LOL) I stripped her bed, put her sheets washing, redressed her bed and freshened up her room. She hadn't eaten at all that day because she was in so much pain, but thankfully she did drink everything I offered her. Anyway, I was able to FORCE her to shower. It was December, and if you're from Louisiana and had a grandmother then you know the whole " Im gonna catch pneumonia if I wash my hair " spill. I bathed her very well, 3 times over as a matter of fact, and scrubbed her hair, all while the poor woman who loved me and cared for me my entire life suffered.
After getting her out of the tub, which was a daunting task in itself because she required the maximum assistance, I powdered her up, put on her deodorant, combed and dried her hair and helped her to the bed. It was so hard for her to get into the bed (okay, this story is killing me, but I have to get it out!) and settled her in, turned on her TV and gave her the remote. I asked her if she would PLEASE eat, and finally she said " I could eat some ramen noodle." So I made her some noodles, grabbed a sprite out of the fridge and went back to her room.
This was the first, and only time, I ever FED my Granny. The look on her face while I fed her made my eyes well with tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued. "Granny, I'm going to try to get you into Dr. Messer's office in the morning so you can see Rey." (Rey is the most awesome PA I've ever met in my life and I had wanted, for a while, her to be established there as a patient.) " If we can't get into Dr. Messer's we will go as a walk-in to Dr. Poole's " all she said was "Okay, Puh" She looked and sounded so defeated, my heart couldn't take much more, yet I remained cold as stone.
This is when my Granny looked me right in the eye after swallowing her bite of food and started crying. "Im so sorry Baby" so, I said "Don't be sorry, Granny, don't be silly, you're sick, and its going to be okay." This is when she killed me with "No, Puh, Im so sorry that youre only 35 and you've got these two boys and Babe you work so hard" I said "Granny stop!" and she said " Apuh, ever since you became a nurse, you have worked hard, I watch you work hard, like a man works, and you come home so tired, I never knew, in all my years a woman that worked as hard as you do, so Im sorry I got old, Im sorry you have to take care of me, when I should be cleaning your house while you work, or helping those boys, I'm just old now, and not worth a dern, so Im sorry and I want you to know that Im sorry. Apuh, its hell getting old, I tell you!"
At that point, I broke down, kissed her forehead, put the food on the dresser, crawled into the bed behind her and wrapped my arms around her and just rocked her. We cried for about 20 minutes, laying there...the roles reversed. How is it that I can take care of everyone else's grandparents but I was ANGRY at mine for being old? How is it that its an honor for be to be part of another family's life, as a nurse, yet resent the very woman who is part responsible for who I am? So Granny said " I love you, April...I do....so much, you'll never know" "Granny I know, and I love you too...so much, YOU will never know" I went on to thank her for taking such good care of me when my mom had to work and for teaching me how to cook and how to take care of my own kids...and for taking care of my kids while I was in nursing school. For seeing to it that I never had to worry about those boys, EVER! If I had to work a double shift, or had the opportunity to work over, especially fresh out of nursing school, id just call her and ask her if it was okay and she'd just say "Make your money, Babe, just bring me a pack of cigarette(s)"
This woman was the very backbone of this family. And I guess I could see, right before my eyes, that she was slipping away. She fell asleep and I got up and went into the kitchen and cleaned up, made sure the boys and I had clothes ready for the next day, and finally settled into bed for the night. It had felt good to cry. I fell into a very deep sleep...not for long though, I woke up to her grunting at 2 am. She was on the floor again. I helped her to the bathroom and back to bed. At 5 am, I woke up again to her crying, I step out of my room and there she was on the floor again. Finally fed up, I text my boss and said I didn't know what time Id be there, but that I was taking Granny to the hospital.
Three times she fell on the way into the car, once in the house and twice in the ice cold front yard. Not really fell, but just kind of weakened and "sat" on the floor/ground. Holding back the tears, I just kept telling her "It's okay" Once in the car, I instructed my boys to get back in the house, get ready for school and that I would be back and everything would be okay. On the way up my street, I texted my mom, then called my Uncle Ken to let him know what was going on, I assured him he should go to work. At a redlight, while waiting to get on Old Galveston Road, Granny said " Is your momma coming?" I had told Mom that I thought it was just a UTI and that Id call her when I knew more, there was no sense in all of us piled up there waiting, not until we knew if she'd be admitted or not. But I told Granny "Of course, she is on her way now." I texted my mom again "Granny is asking for you....im scared." And I was scared. MY Granny doesn't get sick, so I don't know how to deal with it. So many guilty thoughts were going through my mind.."Why did I take this management position at work? Since then Ive been at work more than ever" "Why have I been so mad at her for aging?" "Is this it?"
Turns out this was not it. Once we got to the ER, the triage nurse was being charmed by my little Granny. LOL. She loved to ask questions. For every question he asked, she had one back....example "How old are you, Mrs. Miller?" Granny: "Well, 86....and you?" LOL She was such a hot mess! When they finally got her situated in an ER room and medicated with morphine she really got going, her pain was relieved and she was observing the world around her as only she could. "I sure could eat some breakfast!" I was so relieved to hear her sounding like herself. I told her that once they'd ran all the tests that she would be able to eat. "Huh?" She was so hard of hearing, bless her heart. " I sure could eat!" This time the hints were directed at the nurses. "Mrs. Miller, as soon as we've got some results back, you'll be able to eat once the doctor says you can" Granny: "Hmmph! Mrs Miller! Mrs. Miller's gonna be starve to death by the time she gets a biscuit! Boy, a good ol' biscuit would be so good right now, with a bacon and egg!"
I went home to "get dressed for work" once she was settled in and we were sure she would be admitted. When I got home, I passed out from sheer exhaustion, mostly I think because I was relieved that I knew she was in good hands and that she was okay. I woke up later, and returned to the hospital, this time with my kids. We walked into her room and she hadn't eat much of "aw! that ol hospital food taste like SHIT!" I sat in the bed with her and, knowing my Granny so well, told her I had a surprise for her. I reached into my purse and pulled out a can of potted meat and a long pack of Saltines and her face lit up like a Christmas tree! Her and I ate that together like 2 country bumpkins from Jennings, lol. The nurses looked at us like we were nuts, but we didn't care. My mom just giggled, probably from embarrassment, but also, I'm sure, because Granny was Granny, if only for a little while.
That hospital stay was a week long and had nothing to do with her death. She did, in fact, have a pretty nasty UTI (urinary tract infection....glorified bladder infection) and she also had 2 blood clots in her left leg. So, no hip fracture like I had dreaded and Ol' Granny was gonna be okay...for now. She charmed the scrubs off of everyone that walked into her room. When we would visit, she would introduce us to all of the staff she had made friends with, and as soon as they'd leave the room, she'd tell us all of their business, because God knows she interviewed the poor things.
One thing I loved about my Granny was that she was herself, no matter where she was. I like to think I got that from her. I cant put on airs and, later in Granny's life, she couldn't either. That's one of the most valuable lessons she taught me, without ever realizing it. People are going to see who you really are, at the end of the day, so why act like something/someone you are not? When someone put on airs in front of Granny, she knew it. "Aw, them? They think they somethin', yea! Boy, them!"
Today was a really hard one. It didn't have much to do with Granny not being here. It was just one of those days where everything that COULD go wrong DID. But her being here sure would have made it a tad easier. I would take "caregiver burnout" over "grieving granddaughter" or feeling like a lost child anyday. After this kind of day, there would have been something that lady would have said or done that would have made me laugh so hard I wouldn't care anymore about day I had. Caregiver burnout? Who am I kidding, it was always SHE that was the caregiver. Even when she thought she had nothing left to give......
My Granny was the greatest woman who ever lived...at least in my eyes. She took care of her younger siblings, then children of her own, then me and a few of my generation, then my own kids. She never complained about the care she gave anyone. She never fatigued. Those in her care always felt loved and cared for. She was a natural nurturer.
She was the kind of woman who, when you woke up, had breakfast cooked and coffee made and had already started her lunch/supper. By the time I would awaken, this woman had already cleaned her house, cooked, watched the news, fed the birds and was ready to serve your plate to you when you got up.
She was very independent and rarely asked for help. I think she was in her very late 70's before she started asking me to help her with the harder tasks in her apartment. On Saturdays when I was off, Id scrub her tub and toilet and clean her light fixtures...she still had the rest sewn up, well into her eighties. It really wasn't until we moved to Texas (myself and my kids had to make an emergency move here when I had gotten sick and needed to be near my mom and sister and Granny came a couple weeks later) that Granny did not run a household of her own. I remember being in my early 20s, full of energy and bringing up a baby and a toddler and this woman ran circles around me.
This is why it was so hard to accept when Granny became dependent on us. It wasn't that I couldn't or didn't want to help her, it was just foreign to me. Don't get me wrong, on one hand it was the most natural thing to do...on the other, I resented her for getting old and helpless. I guess I knew (even though I never really accepted it) she was on her way out....and I HATED it. This also changed our relationship some. I regret that, but I didn't know how to deal with it. Sure its easy to sit here and say that if I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would. It would be the easiest thing in the world to do, especially knowing which day would be her last. Savoring every moment of our time, asking her every question I wish I'd asked...but I cant do that...so I have to live with the way things ended.
A little over a month prior to her death, Granny had a rough weekend. She could hardly walk. She slept in the garage on the Friday night. (No, really, she did.) Her couch, from her apartment was in my garage and she would sit on it to smoke. Earlier that night she got mad at me because I asked her to stop smoking in the house so she decided that she would sleep on the couch -- in the garage-- "Where I can feel like a human bean (being)!" She hated relying on anyone...I think, especially me, since I was her grandbaby.
I kept standing at the doorway of the garage (that is connected to and part of the house...relax, lol) pleading for her to come inside and she would just say "No, Puh, I'm comfortable on this couch, my bed makes my back hurt, just bring Granny a blanket." So, finally, I just brought her a heavy quilt, left the garage light on and the door that connected it to the house open, left my bedroom door open and finally just went to bed. (I've been in the garage ONCE since she died....only because I had to show the gas man the water heater)
The next morning (Saturday) she seemed okay, but something was off. I'm a nurse, but its hard to see things when its your own family member, especially one so close to you. She was walking even more unsteadily (she refused a walker, but had a cane) and complained of her left leg hurting more than usual. I kept giving her meds for pain and rubbing Biofreeze on it, but a few hours later it was hurting again. She fell that night. She never admitted it, saying " Aw, guh, I laid down on the floor to rest!" but I got up in the middle of the night and found her on her bedroom floor. Trying to be calm about it, I just assessed that she could move all of her extremeties, did not have a head injury and resolved to take her to the doctor's office on Monday.
Things just progressively got worse on Sunday. All of that day, her walking got worse. I think some part of me tried to ignore it. (she'd die, no pun intended, if she knew that I was telling this part of the story, but....) The stench of urine was very strong. If you're a nurse, you know what I mean. It wasn't old stale urine, it was fresh urine, but it had that distinct "UTI" odor to it. WHY DIDN'T I JUST TAKE HER TO THE ER THEN?!?!?!?!?! Well, its because there was just no way anything serious could be wrong with my Granny!
Late that afternoon, after several pain med doses and biofreeze rubs, I knew I had to get her to shower. Granny HATED bathing at this point. Her whole life, she was very clean, its not that she didn't want to be clean, its that it was just such a hard task. (I will have to blog another time about the day I bought her a shower chair, omg, LOL) I stripped her bed, put her sheets washing, redressed her bed and freshened up her room. She hadn't eaten at all that day because she was in so much pain, but thankfully she did drink everything I offered her. Anyway, I was able to FORCE her to shower. It was December, and if you're from Louisiana and had a grandmother then you know the whole " Im gonna catch pneumonia if I wash my hair " spill. I bathed her very well, 3 times over as a matter of fact, and scrubbed her hair, all while the poor woman who loved me and cared for me my entire life suffered.
After getting her out of the tub, which was a daunting task in itself because she required the maximum assistance, I powdered her up, put on her deodorant, combed and dried her hair and helped her to the bed. It was so hard for her to get into the bed (okay, this story is killing me, but I have to get it out!) and settled her in, turned on her TV and gave her the remote. I asked her if she would PLEASE eat, and finally she said " I could eat some ramen noodle." So I made her some noodles, grabbed a sprite out of the fridge and went back to her room.
This was the first, and only time, I ever FED my Granny. The look on her face while I fed her made my eyes well with tears. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued. "Granny, I'm going to try to get you into Dr. Messer's office in the morning so you can see Rey." (Rey is the most awesome PA I've ever met in my life and I had wanted, for a while, her to be established there as a patient.) " If we can't get into Dr. Messer's we will go as a walk-in to Dr. Poole's " all she said was "Okay, Puh" She looked and sounded so defeated, my heart couldn't take much more, yet I remained cold as stone.
This is when my Granny looked me right in the eye after swallowing her bite of food and started crying. "Im so sorry Baby" so, I said "Don't be sorry, Granny, don't be silly, you're sick, and its going to be okay." This is when she killed me with "No, Puh, Im so sorry that youre only 35 and you've got these two boys and Babe you work so hard" I said "Granny stop!" and she said " Apuh, ever since you became a nurse, you have worked hard, I watch you work hard, like a man works, and you come home so tired, I never knew, in all my years a woman that worked as hard as you do, so Im sorry I got old, Im sorry you have to take care of me, when I should be cleaning your house while you work, or helping those boys, I'm just old now, and not worth a dern, so Im sorry and I want you to know that Im sorry. Apuh, its hell getting old, I tell you!"
At that point, I broke down, kissed her forehead, put the food on the dresser, crawled into the bed behind her and wrapped my arms around her and just rocked her. We cried for about 20 minutes, laying there...the roles reversed. How is it that I can take care of everyone else's grandparents but I was ANGRY at mine for being old? How is it that its an honor for be to be part of another family's life, as a nurse, yet resent the very woman who is part responsible for who I am? So Granny said " I love you, April...I do....so much, you'll never know" "Granny I know, and I love you too...so much, YOU will never know" I went on to thank her for taking such good care of me when my mom had to work and for teaching me how to cook and how to take care of my own kids...and for taking care of my kids while I was in nursing school. For seeing to it that I never had to worry about those boys, EVER! If I had to work a double shift, or had the opportunity to work over, especially fresh out of nursing school, id just call her and ask her if it was okay and she'd just say "Make your money, Babe, just bring me a pack of cigarette(s)"
This woman was the very backbone of this family. And I guess I could see, right before my eyes, that she was slipping away. She fell asleep and I got up and went into the kitchen and cleaned up, made sure the boys and I had clothes ready for the next day, and finally settled into bed for the night. It had felt good to cry. I fell into a very deep sleep...not for long though, I woke up to her grunting at 2 am. She was on the floor again. I helped her to the bathroom and back to bed. At 5 am, I woke up again to her crying, I step out of my room and there she was on the floor again. Finally fed up, I text my boss and said I didn't know what time Id be there, but that I was taking Granny to the hospital.
Three times she fell on the way into the car, once in the house and twice in the ice cold front yard. Not really fell, but just kind of weakened and "sat" on the floor/ground. Holding back the tears, I just kept telling her "It's okay" Once in the car, I instructed my boys to get back in the house, get ready for school and that I would be back and everything would be okay. On the way up my street, I texted my mom, then called my Uncle Ken to let him know what was going on, I assured him he should go to work. At a redlight, while waiting to get on Old Galveston Road, Granny said " Is your momma coming?" I had told Mom that I thought it was just a UTI and that Id call her when I knew more, there was no sense in all of us piled up there waiting, not until we knew if she'd be admitted or not. But I told Granny "Of course, she is on her way now." I texted my mom again "Granny is asking for you....im scared." And I was scared. MY Granny doesn't get sick, so I don't know how to deal with it. So many guilty thoughts were going through my mind.."Why did I take this management position at work? Since then Ive been at work more than ever" "Why have I been so mad at her for aging?" "Is this it?"
Turns out this was not it. Once we got to the ER, the triage nurse was being charmed by my little Granny. LOL. She loved to ask questions. For every question he asked, she had one back....example "How old are you, Mrs. Miller?" Granny: "Well, 86....and you?" LOL She was such a hot mess! When they finally got her situated in an ER room and medicated with morphine she really got going, her pain was relieved and she was observing the world around her as only she could. "I sure could eat some breakfast!" I was so relieved to hear her sounding like herself. I told her that once they'd ran all the tests that she would be able to eat. "Huh?" She was so hard of hearing, bless her heart. " I sure could eat!" This time the hints were directed at the nurses. "Mrs. Miller, as soon as we've got some results back, you'll be able to eat once the doctor says you can" Granny: "Hmmph! Mrs Miller! Mrs. Miller's gonna be starve to death by the time she gets a biscuit! Boy, a good ol' biscuit would be so good right now, with a bacon and egg!"
I went home to "get dressed for work" once she was settled in and we were sure she would be admitted. When I got home, I passed out from sheer exhaustion, mostly I think because I was relieved that I knew she was in good hands and that she was okay. I woke up later, and returned to the hospital, this time with my kids. We walked into her room and she hadn't eat much of "aw! that ol hospital food taste like SHIT!" I sat in the bed with her and, knowing my Granny so well, told her I had a surprise for her. I reached into my purse and pulled out a can of potted meat and a long pack of Saltines and her face lit up like a Christmas tree! Her and I ate that together like 2 country bumpkins from Jennings, lol. The nurses looked at us like we were nuts, but we didn't care. My mom just giggled, probably from embarrassment, but also, I'm sure, because Granny was Granny, if only for a little while.
That hospital stay was a week long and had nothing to do with her death. She did, in fact, have a pretty nasty UTI (urinary tract infection....glorified bladder infection) and she also had 2 blood clots in her left leg. So, no hip fracture like I had dreaded and Ol' Granny was gonna be okay...for now. She charmed the scrubs off of everyone that walked into her room. When we would visit, she would introduce us to all of the staff she had made friends with, and as soon as they'd leave the room, she'd tell us all of their business, because God knows she interviewed the poor things.
One thing I loved about my Granny was that she was herself, no matter where she was. I like to think I got that from her. I cant put on airs and, later in Granny's life, she couldn't either. That's one of the most valuable lessons she taught me, without ever realizing it. People are going to see who you really are, at the end of the day, so why act like something/someone you are not? When someone put on airs in front of Granny, she knew it. "Aw, them? They think they somethin', yea! Boy, them!"
Today was a really hard one. It didn't have much to do with Granny not being here. It was just one of those days where everything that COULD go wrong DID. But her being here sure would have made it a tad easier. I would take "caregiver burnout" over "grieving granddaughter" or feeling like a lost child anyday. After this kind of day, there would have been something that lady would have said or done that would have made me laugh so hard I wouldn't care anymore about day I had. Caregiver burnout? Who am I kidding, it was always SHE that was the caregiver. Even when she thought she had nothing left to give......
Monday, March 11, 2013
Granny's Anatomy
For 86 years my grandmother had a body. She was in tune with her own, Im sure, but she never understood how the human body works. For example: "If you get the runny nose, youre gonna get direar (diarrhea) because boy, ca! When that snot drips on your liver it makes direar and you gonna be on the toilet all day!" As though you do not have a digestive tract through which everything that enters your esophagus must travel to reach...er...the other end.
When my kids would fight and one would hit the other on the back Granny would always scream "Uh-uh! Nooooo, youre gonna knock his kidney down and kill him!" Oh, and I forgot to mention that for every warning she gave, there was a little boy/girl that all these things had happened to before. Example: "There used to be a little boy and he died when his brother knocked his kidney down when they were fighting!"
Having birthed 7 children, Granny knew her stuff about child birth. "April Lynn! Don't reach for that glass in the cabinet, you're gonna stretch the cord and strangle the baby! There was a lady and she reached up to change her clock and she strangled her baby with its own cord, it died, it was so sad..." When I could barely handle the summer heat while pregnant with Michael and so close to my due date, Granny said " Aw! Take you some castrall (castor oil) and youll have that baby by tomorrow! I know a lady took some castrall and had her baby that night!" So...I took the "castrall" and did NOT have my baby, but did spend the night in the bathroom. When that didn't work " Well, I don't know...go jump off a porch, thatll break your water bag." I decided I didn't want the shin splints associated with jumping my foreward heavy self off of a porch.
"Don't drink a hot sody water (coke) because it will make your stomach burst and you'll die! I knew a lady, her little girl did that and she died, ohhh, it was so sad." She told me this when I was 4, I was scared to death, I still wont drink a soda unless its ice cold to this day.
"Don't lay on your stomach on that hard floor, you'll get breast cancer, I know a lady had breast cancer from laying on the hard floor with her boobs, it was sad."
"Aw, Apuh, put some shoes on with this cold floor, you gonna catch pneumonia, I know a lady, that lil girl in Poltergeist just died from Pneumonia, from walking around the house barefooted."
After working on my feet all night, Id come in and shower and massage my legs. " Oh I remember that! I used to work on my feet and when I'd go to bed, the blood would come back in my legs and they would jump and jump and I couldn't sleep worth a dern."
"My bowels haven't move all day. I need some Milk of Magnesia." I would say "No, Granny, you don't, you are okay, they don't have to move every single day" Her response? "Okay, that's fine! Just let me die, Im old anyway! You remember Poncho's wife, huh? She died cause she didn't have a bowel movement!" And if she DID get a dose of Milk of Magnesia, once it stimulated her bowel and she had to go " Ohhhh, Apuh, Im weak, I have the worst virus! I need some Ammonia A D (Immodium AD)" " No, Granny, you took a laxative, you don't have a virus!" To which she would reply "Oh, okay, Ms Nurse! Just let me die of dehydrate! Poor Eva died of dehydrate!" "No Granny, Eva had Congestive Heart Failure, she had too much fluid, and her heart gave out" "Oh okay, well you know everything! Ill just go lay down and die!"
There WAS no winning with her regarding her health concerns.
When my kids would fight and one would hit the other on the back Granny would always scream "Uh-uh! Nooooo, youre gonna knock his kidney down and kill him!" Oh, and I forgot to mention that for every warning she gave, there was a little boy/girl that all these things had happened to before. Example: "There used to be a little boy and he died when his brother knocked his kidney down when they were fighting!"
Having birthed 7 children, Granny knew her stuff about child birth. "April Lynn! Don't reach for that glass in the cabinet, you're gonna stretch the cord and strangle the baby! There was a lady and she reached up to change her clock and she strangled her baby with its own cord, it died, it was so sad..." When I could barely handle the summer heat while pregnant with Michael and so close to my due date, Granny said " Aw! Take you some castrall (castor oil) and youll have that baby by tomorrow! I know a lady took some castrall and had her baby that night!" So...I took the "castrall" and did NOT have my baby, but did spend the night in the bathroom. When that didn't work " Well, I don't know...go jump off a porch, thatll break your water bag." I decided I didn't want the shin splints associated with jumping my foreward heavy self off of a porch.
"Don't drink a hot sody water (coke) because it will make your stomach burst and you'll die! I knew a lady, her little girl did that and she died, ohhh, it was so sad." She told me this when I was 4, I was scared to death, I still wont drink a soda unless its ice cold to this day.
"Don't lay on your stomach on that hard floor, you'll get breast cancer, I know a lady had breast cancer from laying on the hard floor with her boobs, it was sad."
"Aw, Apuh, put some shoes on with this cold floor, you gonna catch pneumonia, I know a lady, that lil girl in Poltergeist just died from Pneumonia, from walking around the house barefooted."
After working on my feet all night, Id come in and shower and massage my legs. " Oh I remember that! I used to work on my feet and when I'd go to bed, the blood would come back in my legs and they would jump and jump and I couldn't sleep worth a dern."
"My bowels haven't move all day. I need some Milk of Magnesia." I would say "No, Granny, you don't, you are okay, they don't have to move every single day" Her response? "Okay, that's fine! Just let me die, Im old anyway! You remember Poncho's wife, huh? She died cause she didn't have a bowel movement!" And if she DID get a dose of Milk of Magnesia, once it stimulated her bowel and she had to go " Ohhhh, Apuh, Im weak, I have the worst virus! I need some Ammonia A D (Immodium AD)" " No, Granny, you took a laxative, you don't have a virus!" To which she would reply "Oh, okay, Ms Nurse! Just let me die of dehydrate! Poor Eva died of dehydrate!" "No Granny, Eva had Congestive Heart Failure, she had too much fluid, and her heart gave out" "Oh okay, well you know everything! Ill just go lay down and die!"
There WAS no winning with her regarding her health concerns.
CNN
So, Granny loved watching CNN. For hours. Almost all day, everyday. (this was when "Opal" (Oprah) wasn't on...oops...or Dr. Phil) She would sit on her couch, in her favorite spot, sipping coffee and misinterpreting everything the newscasters said.
If she heard something on there that she felt was major news, she would (after totally misunderstanding the truth of it) call her friends who, bless their hearts, were just as misinformed as she was and cause mass panic around the neighborhood.
For instance, Once CNN did a special on the devastation that could occur if a major earthquake hit North America's bordering waters and caused a Tsunami. Approximately how many people's lives would be lost, how our world - as we know it- could be forever changed....IF that HYPOTHETICAL situation were to occur. They presented scenarios of the west coast, east coast, and.....God, I wish they wouldn't have....the GULF COAST. Enter hysterical drama. When demonstrating the impact a gulf coast tsunami would have on America, they mentioned the obvious..all of the offshore oil rigs, drilling sites, etc.
One of Granny's friends had a son-in-law who worked (as most Louisiana men do) offshore. He left for his rig from a point that is south of Lafayette, LA. So...here we go. Granny called her friend to tell her about the Earthquake and Tsunami that were to hit the gulf coast - South of Lafayette- so that her son-in-law could know that he shouldn't go to work. It was going to happen "I don't know, but I guess prolly next week or something". So the friend calls her daughter and tells her that there is going to be an earthquake-because Granny said-next week in the gulf, south of Lafayette and that she needed to tell her husband not to go to work. You can imagine the chaos that ensued.
So, I get to her house after a long day of taking care of patients who did not appreciate it. I sit at the table, she pours my cup of coffee (that she had already put the cream in...God, I loved that woman) and says, calmly and flatly...."Apuh, I have to tell you something" thinking someone died or something equally horrible ( I can't imagine WHERE I inherited the drama queen gene from, lol) happened, I brace myself "What's wrong, Granny?"
"There is gonna be an earthquake and a big Tsunami next week in Lafayette, we gotta figure out what to do" "Wait.....what?! How do you know that Granny?" I ask. "Well I saw it on CNN, sposta happen all over the place- California, but they used to that, them South (yes south) Virginia on da eassssss (east) coasssse (coast) and probably in Lafayette for us because its gonna happen offshore" So I tell Granny to not worry, no one can predict something like that a week away unless the earthquakes have already happened and maybe they are preparing for a possible tsunami, but that the chances of that happening in all of these places are slim to none. "Well, its gonna come on again later, if you don't believe me."
So, later, she is on the couch, talking to her friend on the phone saying "Aw, her?! (talking about me) She never wants to be prepared for nothing, she's not organize (no typo, lol) but we gonna watch it again at 7 and I will call you back".
By this point, I already know its a hypothetical situation, so I just humor her, go to popeye's to get chicken because Granny was hungry for a "bress" (breast), come back and we watch the special and she sees for herself this time that its only a "what if" scenario. "Aw, them, they need to quit scaring the people with their shit!"
Luckily, all is well in the world and she calls her friend to tell her its a false alarm. ( I don't know where Granny finds these people, but she did) The guy that worked offshore had already called his job to ask them for more info and Im sure that (after they peed their pants laughing at him) they clarified that he had the "all clear" to report to work the next Wednesday.
That wasn't the only thing she misunderstood from CNN. Remember when they were taking Obama to court for his birth certificate? Well Granny thought they were impeaching him. Granny, in the beginning was an avid Obama supporter, her biggest fear about him was " I sure hope they don't sassinate him....oh Lord, they gonna kill him". By now, with the economic crisis the government has led us all to believe we are in Granny was mad at him. So, she's watching CNN and they are talking about his birth certificate not being authentic and Granny says "Aw! Don't impeach him because hes an immigrant! Impeach him because he raised the price of grocery and cigarette!" I almost died of laughter.
Another time, I think in early 2010, quite a bit of time after Sarah Palin had resigned from the Governer's office, Im sitting at the table on the phone and Granny says "Hey, you know dat Sarah Palem? She's not the governor of Africa anymore". I had no comment.
If she heard something on there that she felt was major news, she would (after totally misunderstanding the truth of it) call her friends who, bless their hearts, were just as misinformed as she was and cause mass panic around the neighborhood.
For instance, Once CNN did a special on the devastation that could occur if a major earthquake hit North America's bordering waters and caused a Tsunami. Approximately how many people's lives would be lost, how our world - as we know it- could be forever changed....IF that HYPOTHETICAL situation were to occur. They presented scenarios of the west coast, east coast, and.....God, I wish they wouldn't have....the GULF COAST. Enter hysterical drama. When demonstrating the impact a gulf coast tsunami would have on America, they mentioned the obvious..all of the offshore oil rigs, drilling sites, etc.
One of Granny's friends had a son-in-law who worked (as most Louisiana men do) offshore. He left for his rig from a point that is south of Lafayette, LA. So...here we go. Granny called her friend to tell her about the Earthquake and Tsunami that were to hit the gulf coast - South of Lafayette- so that her son-in-law could know that he shouldn't go to work. It was going to happen "I don't know, but I guess prolly next week or something". So the friend calls her daughter and tells her that there is going to be an earthquake-because Granny said-next week in the gulf, south of Lafayette and that she needed to tell her husband not to go to work. You can imagine the chaos that ensued.
So, I get to her house after a long day of taking care of patients who did not appreciate it. I sit at the table, she pours my cup of coffee (that she had already put the cream in...God, I loved that woman) and says, calmly and flatly...."Apuh, I have to tell you something" thinking someone died or something equally horrible ( I can't imagine WHERE I inherited the drama queen gene from, lol) happened, I brace myself "What's wrong, Granny?"
"There is gonna be an earthquake and a big Tsunami next week in Lafayette, we gotta figure out what to do" "Wait.....what?! How do you know that Granny?" I ask. "Well I saw it on CNN, sposta happen all over the place- California, but they used to that, them South (yes south) Virginia on da eassssss (east) coasssse (coast) and probably in Lafayette for us because its gonna happen offshore" So I tell Granny to not worry, no one can predict something like that a week away unless the earthquakes have already happened and maybe they are preparing for a possible tsunami, but that the chances of that happening in all of these places are slim to none. "Well, its gonna come on again later, if you don't believe me."
So, later, she is on the couch, talking to her friend on the phone saying "Aw, her?! (talking about me) She never wants to be prepared for nothing, she's not organize (no typo, lol) but we gonna watch it again at 7 and I will call you back".
By this point, I already know its a hypothetical situation, so I just humor her, go to popeye's to get chicken because Granny was hungry for a "bress" (breast), come back and we watch the special and she sees for herself this time that its only a "what if" scenario. "Aw, them, they need to quit scaring the people with their shit!"
Luckily, all is well in the world and she calls her friend to tell her its a false alarm. ( I don't know where Granny finds these people, but she did) The guy that worked offshore had already called his job to ask them for more info and Im sure that (after they peed their pants laughing at him) they clarified that he had the "all clear" to report to work the next Wednesday.
That wasn't the only thing she misunderstood from CNN. Remember when they were taking Obama to court for his birth certificate? Well Granny thought they were impeaching him. Granny, in the beginning was an avid Obama supporter, her biggest fear about him was " I sure hope they don't sassinate him....oh Lord, they gonna kill him". By now, with the economic crisis the government has led us all to believe we are in Granny was mad at him. So, she's watching CNN and they are talking about his birth certificate not being authentic and Granny says "Aw! Don't impeach him because hes an immigrant! Impeach him because he raised the price of grocery and cigarette!" I almost died of laughter.
Another time, I think in early 2010, quite a bit of time after Sarah Palin had resigned from the Governer's office, Im sitting at the table on the phone and Granny says "Hey, you know dat Sarah Palem? She's not the governor of Africa anymore". I had no comment.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
A Fair Warning
Ive always struggled with my weight. My whole life, its up and down. Ive never been skinny, but I yoyo between huge and big fine country girl. Im from Louisiana and its not in my DNA to be super thin, so naturally, I am going to have a "red beans and rice" body.
In 2007, when Id gotten pregnant with Anthony I was probably a size 10. When I delivered Anthony I was a size 16. I worked really hard from late July to mid September to get into a 14 for my best friend's wedding. (Let's note here that Christine was BRIDEZILLA, I considered bariatric surgery as to not disappoint her, and PARDON ME for just having given birth, lol) Anyway, I lingered at a 14 (or 13 to 15 in juniors) during that time. In the aftermath of Tony leaving for a civilian job in Afghanistan ( I often joke that, not only can I not keep a man, they actually tend to LEAVE THE COUNTRY to escape me) and me really, for the first time having to deal with everything that had happened to us in the previous couple of years, I developed one of the most severe cases of Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia that Ive ever seen.
After being hospitalized for a week (great, now ill never get that concealed weapon permit) I was put on a medication called Remeron. I had given Remeron to several of my elderly patients, so I knew it helped with sleep disturbance, anxiety and depression. What I didn't realize is that its off label use was for appetite stimulation. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!?!?!?!?! Anyway, not only did my anxiety significantly decrease at night when I took it, but I would crave comfort foods just before bed.
One night, as I was eating a gumbo bowl full of Life cereal and milk....IN BED, Granny came in the room to see what I was laughing at on TV and she said " Apuh Lynn! mm-mmm" and I was like " What?!" so Granny says " Boooyyyyy, but sha! You're gonna regret yourself this summer when its time to wear shorts and your legs are gonna be too big to fit 'em. You're gonna have to wear your scrub everywhere!" So, I was like " Granny, I'll be fine, at least my appetite is back!" So she just said, as she walked out " Okayyyyyy, but don't cry to me when you gotta take an old quilt to make some short to wear" (*again, I cannot stress enough that my grandmother never quite learned how to use "s" at the end of a plural noun, ugh! Maybe it is because English was her second language?)
So anyway, needless to say, my appetite was gone for the night. Never fear though, it returned heartily the next night. And, I have to admit, Granny was right. Fifty something pounds later, here I am..."regretting" myself. Lol. They did discontinue the Remeron eventually and the doctor said "Omg, who put you on this, I'd never put a young woman, like yourself, of child bearing age on a drug that promotes weight gain" and I was like "Thanks! Thanks for the too late advice" LOL. However, the doctor did promise that once I stopped taking Remeron my weight would correct itself, and its true.....I lost a whopping 4 pounds in 2 months after that. WOW.
Sometimes when I was trying on clothes, Granny would walk in, with her cane and I'd say " How does this look, Gran?" and she would say, " Are you still taking that medicine?" and id say "NO!!!!!!!! Why?????" she would just shrug and say "Well if you would go walk or something it would look good."
But my favorite was when I was just walking around the house in a short night gown or a tshirt and shorts and she'd say "caaaaauuuuuughhhht damn! Apuh Lynn, that Caboose!" So I would say "Granny!" and she would say "Well even when you're slim you got a big Caboose, but gollllllyyyyyyyy I don't know how you carry that thing around" She loved me.... I promise.
In 2007, when Id gotten pregnant with Anthony I was probably a size 10. When I delivered Anthony I was a size 16. I worked really hard from late July to mid September to get into a 14 for my best friend's wedding. (Let's note here that Christine was BRIDEZILLA, I considered bariatric surgery as to not disappoint her, and PARDON ME for just having given birth, lol) Anyway, I lingered at a 14 (or 13 to 15 in juniors) during that time. In the aftermath of Tony leaving for a civilian job in Afghanistan ( I often joke that, not only can I not keep a man, they actually tend to LEAVE THE COUNTRY to escape me) and me really, for the first time having to deal with everything that had happened to us in the previous couple of years, I developed one of the most severe cases of Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia that Ive ever seen.
After being hospitalized for a week (great, now ill never get that concealed weapon permit) I was put on a medication called Remeron. I had given Remeron to several of my elderly patients, so I knew it helped with sleep disturbance, anxiety and depression. What I didn't realize is that its off label use was for appetite stimulation. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!?!?!?!?! Anyway, not only did my anxiety significantly decrease at night when I took it, but I would crave comfort foods just before bed.
One night, as I was eating a gumbo bowl full of Life cereal and milk....IN BED, Granny came in the room to see what I was laughing at on TV and she said " Apuh Lynn! mm-mmm" and I was like " What?!" so Granny says " Boooyyyyy, but sha! You're gonna regret yourself this summer when its time to wear shorts and your legs are gonna be too big to fit 'em. You're gonna have to wear your scrub everywhere!" So, I was like " Granny, I'll be fine, at least my appetite is back!" So she just said, as she walked out " Okayyyyyy, but don't cry to me when you gotta take an old quilt to make some short to wear" (*again, I cannot stress enough that my grandmother never quite learned how to use "s" at the end of a plural noun, ugh! Maybe it is because English was her second language?)
So anyway, needless to say, my appetite was gone for the night. Never fear though, it returned heartily the next night. And, I have to admit, Granny was right. Fifty something pounds later, here I am..."regretting" myself. Lol. They did discontinue the Remeron eventually and the doctor said "Omg, who put you on this, I'd never put a young woman, like yourself, of child bearing age on a drug that promotes weight gain" and I was like "Thanks! Thanks for the too late advice" LOL. However, the doctor did promise that once I stopped taking Remeron my weight would correct itself, and its true.....I lost a whopping 4 pounds in 2 months after that. WOW.
Sometimes when I was trying on clothes, Granny would walk in, with her cane and I'd say " How does this look, Gran?" and she would say, " Are you still taking that medicine?" and id say "NO!!!!!!!! Why?????" she would just shrug and say "Well if you would go walk or something it would look good."
But my favorite was when I was just walking around the house in a short night gown or a tshirt and shorts and she'd say "caaaaauuuuuughhhht damn! Apuh Lynn, that Caboose!" So I would say "Granny!" and she would say "Well even when you're slim you got a big Caboose, but gollllllyyyyyyyy I don't know how you carry that thing around" She loved me.... I promise.
Blackheads
My Granny had the most beautiful skin....ever. In her later years, her regimen was simple, just wash it with a wet rag daily, but I can remember her washing her face daily with that old Black & White soap (that reminds me of her Tussy deodorant, idk why, but it does, lol) and using face creams. I don't remember what kind, but she always wore face cream to bed. Probably as recently as the 90s I can remember her having Oil of Olay beauty fluid in her medicine cabinet.
I didn't even know what a blackhead was the first time I heard my Granny talking about them, but I remember her talking to her sister, my aunt Linda, about someone who apparently had them. "And that face! She needs to press them blackhead!" (again, everything was singular, lol)
When I was the ages of 5 to maybe 14, Granny would pay me a dollar to "do" her face. Doing her face consisted of searching for blackheads, expressing them if you found one and plucking her "beard" that consisted of like 3 hairs a month, one was blond, and the other two were on a mole. LOL I realize this is TMI, but she was so vain....and so beautiful, but I don't think she knew how beautiful she was. I can remember her saying " Puh, come pluck my beard, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I cant face the public looking like a man." So I would pluck all three hairs out and collect my dollar, then run straight to Fontenot's with it to get a bag of chips, a candy and a soda.
While I was plucking her "beard", she would ask me things like " Did you get him?" (hairs and blackheads apparently were masculine) and Id say no and she'd say " Well you sure rip (ripped) a new hole in my face to not get him!" Man, I loved her! She was just so cute. And I know you're probably wondering how such a disgusting conversation could be so endearing to me, but some of our best talks were had while I was pruning her like we were a family of chimps. Just a week before she died, she was sitting in the recliner that Im staring at as I type and she said "Well, I guess I'll go lay down. Puh?" So I said "What Granny?" "Get the tweezer and come pluck the hair on my chin and see if have some blackhead" That was the last time we had our "session".....if only I'd known it was the last time, I would have made it last longer.
I truly don't think that Granny understood the organ that is our skin. She thought that her having a blackhead or two was the absolute worst thing that could happen to her at times, when really it was simply a clogged pore that, when oxidized, the sebum inside it turned black, making it visible. You couldn't "press" her blackheads too hard, because then you would be "making me all kinda new wrinkles!"
One time, when Granny was mad at me, I was probably 25 or 26, I began to kiss her all over her face. (She could never stay mad at me for long) As I began to kiss her forehead, nose and cheeks she laughed and giggled, shouting at me "STOP IT, you're gonna make me some blackhead!"
I wonder if her favorite thing about her glorified body is that it has no blackheads or blemishes.........or if, when I get to Heaven, I will resume my job as her facialist?
I didn't even know what a blackhead was the first time I heard my Granny talking about them, but I remember her talking to her sister, my aunt Linda, about someone who apparently had them. "And that face! She needs to press them blackhead!" (again, everything was singular, lol)
When I was the ages of 5 to maybe 14, Granny would pay me a dollar to "do" her face. Doing her face consisted of searching for blackheads, expressing them if you found one and plucking her "beard" that consisted of like 3 hairs a month, one was blond, and the other two were on a mole. LOL I realize this is TMI, but she was so vain....and so beautiful, but I don't think she knew how beautiful she was. I can remember her saying " Puh, come pluck my beard, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I cant face the public looking like a man." So I would pluck all three hairs out and collect my dollar, then run straight to Fontenot's with it to get a bag of chips, a candy and a soda.
While I was plucking her "beard", she would ask me things like " Did you get him?" (hairs and blackheads apparently were masculine) and Id say no and she'd say " Well you sure rip (ripped) a new hole in my face to not get him!" Man, I loved her! She was just so cute. And I know you're probably wondering how such a disgusting conversation could be so endearing to me, but some of our best talks were had while I was pruning her like we were a family of chimps. Just a week before she died, she was sitting in the recliner that Im staring at as I type and she said "Well, I guess I'll go lay down. Puh?" So I said "What Granny?" "Get the tweezer and come pluck the hair on my chin and see if have some blackhead" That was the last time we had our "session".....if only I'd known it was the last time, I would have made it last longer.
I truly don't think that Granny understood the organ that is our skin. She thought that her having a blackhead or two was the absolute worst thing that could happen to her at times, when really it was simply a clogged pore that, when oxidized, the sebum inside it turned black, making it visible. You couldn't "press" her blackheads too hard, because then you would be "making me all kinda new wrinkles!"
One time, when Granny was mad at me, I was probably 25 or 26, I began to kiss her all over her face. (She could never stay mad at me for long) As I began to kiss her forehead, nose and cheeks she laughed and giggled, shouting at me "STOP IT, you're gonna make me some blackhead!"
I wonder if her favorite thing about her glorified body is that it has no blackheads or blemishes.........or if, when I get to Heaven, I will resume my job as her facialist?
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Come And Sit By Granny, Babe
Granny was a strong woman. I used to believe that nothing in the world bothered her. Reflecting as an adult, one who has experienced immense heartache, I see that things did bother her...she just soldiered through them.
Growing up in a time where "you didn't talk about" issues, I suppose you just adapted to bottling emotions in. Sometimes to the point where they burst out of you with a volcanic force. Probably the cause of her mini meltdowns. Granny went through a helluva lot of things that I cant imagine enduring. On the flipside, there is a moment I will share with you that demonstrates, I went through some things that Granny couldn't imagine enduring. It only made our admiration for eachother more intense -- our bond even stronger. There was a moment when we were Grandmother and Grandchild, and at the same time, just two women sitting and sharing. The following is one of my most tender memories of my Granny.....
On April Fool's Day of 2007 I had a routine OB/GYN appointment. I was almost seven months pregnant with my son Anthony. ( many of you already know the story of Anthony, if not you will read about it on my own blog, if you want) I got up that day, like any other day. I went to my appointment, unsuspecting, just like any other appointment. Dr. Elias did an ultrasound at every visit, that's just what kind of doctor he is. While I was redressing, I casually mentioned that, though it had been 8 years since I'd given birth, Anthony kicked just as often as my other sons, yet not as hard, or with as much force. Dr. Elias told me to lay back down so he could take another look. He measured the limb length of my baby, and sure enough, something wasn't right. I was to see a specialist in Lafayette the very next day. The priority I was given to be seen so quickly made me very nervous, but I tried not to worry.
I called my sister (who I have to say is, and remains, my rock in life) immediately and that night she was in Jennings, from Houston, to accompany me to the doctor the next day. At this appointment the doctor tells me that my child has Thanatophoric Dysplasia, "or something very similar" and that his ribcage girth was not compatible with life. My world shattered and fell to pieces, right there on that table. This wasn't my first infant loss. My eldest son, Leebron died at the age of one week due to being born prematurely because I had urosepsis. (google it) I was told that my options were limited, but if I acted quickly, I had a choice as to whether or not I carried Anthony to term and saw the pregnancy through. I couldn't imagine not giving my child a chance at life, so I decided, no matter what, unless my life was at risk tremendously, I would carry my son as long as God allowed.
When we got back to Jennings we went to Granny's to spend the night. I remember Granny saying " oh, no! Well, April, you may think of just getting rid of it, and getting on with your life sooner" (I never once was angry at her for this statement, I knew she wanted what was best for me, there were so many things she didn't understand) I just cried and cried and I think that upset her. A few nights later (Tony had been in Germany the day I found out and the entire weekend until the following Tuesday and we could only talk briefly, he was in the Army at the time, and Wendy had gone back to Houston the evening of the appointment in Lafayette so I was lonely and depressed and didn't want the kids to feel it so...) we were spending the night at Granny's house. The boys were asleep in the back room. I think this was the Monday night and Tony was to come back the Tuesday, but we wouldn't see him until the Friday, since he was stationed at Ft. Hood. I hadn't been sleeping well, due to the devastation and shock, so I was lying, uncomfortably, on the couch watching TV and Granny had been asleep in her room. It was about 2 am.
Granny came walking into the living room quietly, thinking I was asleep. She creeped up beside me to look at my face to check to see if I was awake. Im sure she was going to turn the TV off, as she often did when I fell asleep with it on. (Because "yall waaaassssseeeee (waste, lol) electricity") When she saw my eyes, she said "oh, youre awake?" I very quietly mumbled "yea". She said "Whats wrong, Puh? You cant sleep" I just didn't say anything back, because the lump in my throat and hole in my heart were just too huge for me to function normally.
She shuffled, in her slippers, into the kitchen and fiddled around a little bit. I could hear her sniffling, but was too paralyzed by my own despair to even respond, or ask her if she was okay, etc. She cleared her throat and asked if I wanted something to drink. I said I didn't. She asked if I'd eaten supper. I said I hadn't. "You have to eat, Apuh. That baby is still growing, isn't he?" No response from me.
Finally she sat in the recliner and began to watch TV with me. We watched the Golden Girls for probably 3 episodes, neither of us breaking the silence, except to laugh occasionally. Granny turned the TV off and I said "Hey! Im still watching that!" Granny softly said " Come and sit by Granny, Babe." Like a little girl, I got up and went to the side of her chair. I knelt beside her and laid my head on her lap and just began to sob. She stroked my hair and cried too. She began to tell me " I wish I knew what to say, Puh, but Ive never gone through anything like this. When we were young we didn't have them ultrasound (everything was singular, lol). We didn't know what our babies looked like, we just had them. If something was wrong, we took care of the kids if they were sick and if they died, we just buried them and didn't talk about it" her voice cracked when she said: " Im sorry Apuh, I don't know how to talk about it." She began to cry harder now, so I reached up and held her, we held eachother and hugged and cried and cried. This went on for about 45 minutes and I eventually just held her hand and laid my head on the arm of the chair. Being a big pregnant cow, my circulation was beginning to get cut off from the knee down at this point, so I went to get up. Granny said " You're gonna go to sleep now?" I said, "Im going to try"
I got up and started waddling to the couch and she said " Why don't you come sleep with Granny and Ill rub your back?" So I followed her down the hall to her room, climbed into her bed and she got in behind me and wrapped her arm around me and held me until I woke up.
Later, in June, after Anthony was born and then passed away, my sister put together photo albums for Tony, me, herself and my mom. One day in July, Granny had company and I was in the tub. She didn't know I could hear, and I wasn't eavesdropping, but I could hear her showing her friend the pictures of Anthony. "Look how cute he was, he was beautiful." Her friend Pat said, "Yes, he sure was, I don't know how April did that. I don't know how I could've lived through something like that!" And to that, my Granny said "Aw, her?! That girl can do ANYTHING!"
It wasn't often my Granny gave a compliment to anyone, with the exception of admiring a pretty purse, pair of shoes or a new haircut I'd gotten. But for this woman, who I believed was a hero to think that I could possibly be something special? And to say it out loud? lol, In front of people?! That was one of my most memorable moments in life..........
Growing up in a time where "you didn't talk about" issues, I suppose you just adapted to bottling emotions in. Sometimes to the point where they burst out of you with a volcanic force. Probably the cause of her mini meltdowns. Granny went through a helluva lot of things that I cant imagine enduring. On the flipside, there is a moment I will share with you that demonstrates, I went through some things that Granny couldn't imagine enduring. It only made our admiration for eachother more intense -- our bond even stronger. There was a moment when we were Grandmother and Grandchild, and at the same time, just two women sitting and sharing. The following is one of my most tender memories of my Granny.....
On April Fool's Day of 2007 I had a routine OB/GYN appointment. I was almost seven months pregnant with my son Anthony. ( many of you already know the story of Anthony, if not you will read about it on my own blog, if you want) I got up that day, like any other day. I went to my appointment, unsuspecting, just like any other appointment. Dr. Elias did an ultrasound at every visit, that's just what kind of doctor he is. While I was redressing, I casually mentioned that, though it had been 8 years since I'd given birth, Anthony kicked just as often as my other sons, yet not as hard, or with as much force. Dr. Elias told me to lay back down so he could take another look. He measured the limb length of my baby, and sure enough, something wasn't right. I was to see a specialist in Lafayette the very next day. The priority I was given to be seen so quickly made me very nervous, but I tried not to worry.
I called my sister (who I have to say is, and remains, my rock in life) immediately and that night she was in Jennings, from Houston, to accompany me to the doctor the next day. At this appointment the doctor tells me that my child has Thanatophoric Dysplasia, "or something very similar" and that his ribcage girth was not compatible with life. My world shattered and fell to pieces, right there on that table. This wasn't my first infant loss. My eldest son, Leebron died at the age of one week due to being born prematurely because I had urosepsis. (google it) I was told that my options were limited, but if I acted quickly, I had a choice as to whether or not I carried Anthony to term and saw the pregnancy through. I couldn't imagine not giving my child a chance at life, so I decided, no matter what, unless my life was at risk tremendously, I would carry my son as long as God allowed.
When we got back to Jennings we went to Granny's to spend the night. I remember Granny saying " oh, no! Well, April, you may think of just getting rid of it, and getting on with your life sooner" (I never once was angry at her for this statement, I knew she wanted what was best for me, there were so many things she didn't understand) I just cried and cried and I think that upset her. A few nights later (Tony had been in Germany the day I found out and the entire weekend until the following Tuesday and we could only talk briefly, he was in the Army at the time, and Wendy had gone back to Houston the evening of the appointment in Lafayette so I was lonely and depressed and didn't want the kids to feel it so...) we were spending the night at Granny's house. The boys were asleep in the back room. I think this was the Monday night and Tony was to come back the Tuesday, but we wouldn't see him until the Friday, since he was stationed at Ft. Hood. I hadn't been sleeping well, due to the devastation and shock, so I was lying, uncomfortably, on the couch watching TV and Granny had been asleep in her room. It was about 2 am.
Granny came walking into the living room quietly, thinking I was asleep. She creeped up beside me to look at my face to check to see if I was awake. Im sure she was going to turn the TV off, as she often did when I fell asleep with it on. (Because "yall waaaassssseeeee (waste, lol) electricity") When she saw my eyes, she said "oh, youre awake?" I very quietly mumbled "yea". She said "Whats wrong, Puh? You cant sleep" I just didn't say anything back, because the lump in my throat and hole in my heart were just too huge for me to function normally.
She shuffled, in her slippers, into the kitchen and fiddled around a little bit. I could hear her sniffling, but was too paralyzed by my own despair to even respond, or ask her if she was okay, etc. She cleared her throat and asked if I wanted something to drink. I said I didn't. She asked if I'd eaten supper. I said I hadn't. "You have to eat, Apuh. That baby is still growing, isn't he?" No response from me.
Finally she sat in the recliner and began to watch TV with me. We watched the Golden Girls for probably 3 episodes, neither of us breaking the silence, except to laugh occasionally. Granny turned the TV off and I said "Hey! Im still watching that!" Granny softly said " Come and sit by Granny, Babe." Like a little girl, I got up and went to the side of her chair. I knelt beside her and laid my head on her lap and just began to sob. She stroked my hair and cried too. She began to tell me " I wish I knew what to say, Puh, but Ive never gone through anything like this. When we were young we didn't have them ultrasound (everything was singular, lol). We didn't know what our babies looked like, we just had them. If something was wrong, we took care of the kids if they were sick and if they died, we just buried them and didn't talk about it" her voice cracked when she said: " Im sorry Apuh, I don't know how to talk about it." She began to cry harder now, so I reached up and held her, we held eachother and hugged and cried and cried. This went on for about 45 minutes and I eventually just held her hand and laid my head on the arm of the chair. Being a big pregnant cow, my circulation was beginning to get cut off from the knee down at this point, so I went to get up. Granny said " You're gonna go to sleep now?" I said, "Im going to try"
I got up and started waddling to the couch and she said " Why don't you come sleep with Granny and Ill rub your back?" So I followed her down the hall to her room, climbed into her bed and she got in behind me and wrapped her arm around me and held me until I woke up.
Later, in June, after Anthony was born and then passed away, my sister put together photo albums for Tony, me, herself and my mom. One day in July, Granny had company and I was in the tub. She didn't know I could hear, and I wasn't eavesdropping, but I could hear her showing her friend the pictures of Anthony. "Look how cute he was, he was beautiful." Her friend Pat said, "Yes, he sure was, I don't know how April did that. I don't know how I could've lived through something like that!" And to that, my Granny said "Aw, her?! That girl can do ANYTHING!"
It wasn't often my Granny gave a compliment to anyone, with the exception of admiring a pretty purse, pair of shoes or a new haircut I'd gotten. But for this woman, who I believed was a hero to think that I could possibly be something special? And to say it out loud? lol, In front of people?! That was one of my most memorable moments in life..........
Friday, March 8, 2013
The Boston Tea Party
The Boston Tea Party
About a year and half, two years ago, I made the trek to the dental office where my sister works. Granny and the boys and I had been living in the Pasadena/Houston area for probably a year at this time. Granny was going to spend a few days with my sister Wendy,so we scheduled my appointment on a Friday morning, as my sister gets off early on those days. My appointment would finish up right at lunch time (knock off time for my sis) so that we could all three have lunch together at one of my favorite spots (Sweet Tomatoes) and then Wendy and Granny could go off to her house and I would drive back home.
So we are sitting at Sweet Tomatoes (great, now im starved!), we had just gotten our trays to our table, gotten situated and Wendy and I got up to get our drinks. Iced Tea for Wendy and Granny and water or Coke for me ( I dont remember which). When Wendy and I got back to the table, Wendy asked me "You dont like Tea? That's right I forgot you dont like tea!" So Granny says "Well nooooo, she dont like tea, Puh never liked tea." (Puh is short for Apuh which is how Granny pronounced my name (April)) So, I said, " No ive never liked iced tea, and I always wished I did because Mom always had it in the house, I even have tried it every once in a while to see if my taste has changed, but I just cant swallow it, dont like the taste of it" Granny...."No, you dont like stuff if you dont like it" (always trying to be part of the conversation, loving it when she could be part of our conversation at her age, God, she just loved us sooooo much, possibly even admired us). So I then say " I do like Hot Tea every now and then, with cream in it" "Cream? in TEA?!" Wendy asked.
So here goes Granny, saying so matter-of-factly, like Wendy had asked THE most stupid question EVER " Well, yea, Wen! That's how they drank it at the Boston Tea Party!"
About a year and half, two years ago, I made the trek to the dental office where my sister works. Granny and the boys and I had been living in the Pasadena/Houston area for probably a year at this time. Granny was going to spend a few days with my sister Wendy,so we scheduled my appointment on a Friday morning, as my sister gets off early on those days. My appointment would finish up right at lunch time (knock off time for my sis) so that we could all three have lunch together at one of my favorite spots (Sweet Tomatoes) and then Wendy and Granny could go off to her house and I would drive back home.
So we are sitting at Sweet Tomatoes (great, now im starved!), we had just gotten our trays to our table, gotten situated and Wendy and I got up to get our drinks. Iced Tea for Wendy and Granny and water or Coke for me ( I dont remember which). When Wendy and I got back to the table, Wendy asked me "You dont like Tea? That's right I forgot you dont like tea!" So Granny says "Well nooooo, she dont like tea, Puh never liked tea." (Puh is short for Apuh which is how Granny pronounced my name (April)) So, I said, " No ive never liked iced tea, and I always wished I did because Mom always had it in the house, I even have tried it every once in a while to see if my taste has changed, but I just cant swallow it, dont like the taste of it" Granny...."No, you dont like stuff if you dont like it" (always trying to be part of the conversation, loving it when she could be part of our conversation at her age, God, she just loved us sooooo much, possibly even admired us). So I then say " I do like Hot Tea every now and then, with cream in it" "Cream? in TEA?!" Wendy asked.
So here goes Granny, saying so matter-of-factly, like Wendy had asked THE most stupid question EVER " Well, yea, Wen! That's how they drank it at the Boston Tea Party!"
Go Do Your Housework!
This one is a bit cringe-worthy, lol. My Granny wasn't always the sweetest, most welcoming woman in the world, She wasn't a very religious woman.
Born in 1926 in a small town near a small town called Jennings, LA that was predominately Catholic, my Granny was baptized Catholic, like so many others in that area. How much she attended church as a child is unknown to me. I know she didn't attend church regularly as an adult. In fact, I can only think of a couple of times she attended church during my life (with the exception of attending church with my very faithful Uncle Art, while she lived in Texas when I was a teen.) I can vouch, however, for the fact that she knew The Lord, as she talked of Him often in her last years, even telling me about a month before she died "April, Id like to go to church soon." (But that will be covered in another entry)
I said all this to say: My Granny absolutely despised 'Door to Door witnesses'...especially Jehovah's witnesses. Not to turn this into a hate entry, it was just her views. "Aw, them, they come over here for you to go to their pretty (read: Purdy) church and give them all your money, them got damn crooks!" I remember feeling so sorry for anyone who knocked on my Granny's door with the intentions of "saving" her or "witnessing" to her....like I said, especially Jehovah's witnesses. ( in Jennings, with the exception of the occasional Apostolic that may knock to invite you to services, it was primarily Jehovah's witnesses that came to your door almost every Saturday morning) She didn't hate them personally, she just thought they should find better things to do than bother her.
She had a high pitched, very screechy voice when she raised her voice at people, it was blood curdling if it was aimed at you. LOL. Ill never forget this one poor lady, not sure which denomination she represented, but smart money says this woman was a Jehovah's witness. Being nosey, Granny would always answer the door, find out what they wanted, but bless her heart, once they stated their intentions they got an earful. "Get OUTTA here, don't bother me with that shiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt!" On this particular morning, I was in the bathroom bathing my then 3 month old son, Michael, and I could hear my poor mom scuffling to the back room, so I knew someone was about to get cussed out. I hear a cheerful, 30 something woman begin her pitch "Good morning!" so Granny replies, flatly, "Good morning, what can I do for you?" The rest of the lady's pitch was muffled, then lo and behold I can hear..."We catholic over here, us!" (Bear in mind that ive stepped foot in a catholic church twice...once at the age of 13 with my friend Mandy, whose mother fussed at us the whole way home for us giggling because I was so unaware of their customs, all the kneeling and what not and a couple years prior to that, when I was 11, at the funeral of my great grandfather, Granny's father) "So, we already know God, and maybe yall need to know him too!" (OH YEAH, they must have been JW, lol)
So at that the door slams, my mother comes out of the back room laughing and I come out of the bathroom with my infant on my chest, dying with laughter. So then, Granny opens the door AGAIN, this time to holler the following at the poor lady who is scurrying away " And GO DO YOUR HOUSEWORK!!" My jaw hit the floor. In my Granny's mind, if she thought you were wasting your time, she could always give you a practical suggestion. lol
At this point, she begins her muttering, mocking the woman's voice "Jehover wants .....YEA, I know what Jehover wants, Jehover wants me to bring my purse to his cult building...them got damn son of a bitch!" "Instead of bother people, they need to stay home and fix that hair, clean that house...that's what Jehover wants" (none of these misspellings are typos, this is how my Granny pronounced things.......incorrectly. lol) The more my mom and I would laugh, the more she'd get mad and keep on going, then the Cajun French kicked in.
If there is anything I learned from my Granny during those times it is that most churches are out to get your money (debatable) and that if your house isn't already clean, your time is best spent making sure that is done.....and you should never "Go in the public looking like an animal with that hair hanging in that face...oughta be ashame!"
No one will ever understand the degree to which I miss that woman. Ever.......
This one is a bit cringe-worthy, lol. My Granny wasn't always the sweetest, most welcoming woman in the world, She wasn't a very religious woman.
Born in 1926 in a small town near a small town called Jennings, LA that was predominately Catholic, my Granny was baptized Catholic, like so many others in that area. How much she attended church as a child is unknown to me. I know she didn't attend church regularly as an adult. In fact, I can only think of a couple of times she attended church during my life (with the exception of attending church with my very faithful Uncle Art, while she lived in Texas when I was a teen.) I can vouch, however, for the fact that she knew The Lord, as she talked of Him often in her last years, even telling me about a month before she died "April, Id like to go to church soon." (But that will be covered in another entry)
I said all this to say: My Granny absolutely despised 'Door to Door witnesses'...especially Jehovah's witnesses. Not to turn this into a hate entry, it was just her views. "Aw, them, they come over here for you to go to their pretty (read: Purdy) church and give them all your money, them got damn crooks!" I remember feeling so sorry for anyone who knocked on my Granny's door with the intentions of "saving" her or "witnessing" to her....like I said, especially Jehovah's witnesses. ( in Jennings, with the exception of the occasional Apostolic that may knock to invite you to services, it was primarily Jehovah's witnesses that came to your door almost every Saturday morning) She didn't hate them personally, she just thought they should find better things to do than bother her.
She had a high pitched, very screechy voice when she raised her voice at people, it was blood curdling if it was aimed at you. LOL. Ill never forget this one poor lady, not sure which denomination she represented, but smart money says this woman was a Jehovah's witness. Being nosey, Granny would always answer the door, find out what they wanted, but bless her heart, once they stated their intentions they got an earful. "Get OUTTA here, don't bother me with that shiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt!" On this particular morning, I was in the bathroom bathing my then 3 month old son, Michael, and I could hear my poor mom scuffling to the back room, so I knew someone was about to get cussed out. I hear a cheerful, 30 something woman begin her pitch "Good morning!" so Granny replies, flatly, "Good morning, what can I do for you?" The rest of the lady's pitch was muffled, then lo and behold I can hear..."We catholic over here, us!" (Bear in mind that ive stepped foot in a catholic church twice...once at the age of 13 with my friend Mandy, whose mother fussed at us the whole way home for us giggling because I was so unaware of their customs, all the kneeling and what not and a couple years prior to that, when I was 11, at the funeral of my great grandfather, Granny's father) "So, we already know God, and maybe yall need to know him too!" (OH YEAH, they must have been JW, lol)
So at that the door slams, my mother comes out of the back room laughing and I come out of the bathroom with my infant on my chest, dying with laughter. So then, Granny opens the door AGAIN, this time to holler the following at the poor lady who is scurrying away " And GO DO YOUR HOUSEWORK!!" My jaw hit the floor. In my Granny's mind, if she thought you were wasting your time, she could always give you a practical suggestion. lol
At this point, she begins her muttering, mocking the woman's voice "Jehover wants .....YEA, I know what Jehover wants, Jehover wants me to bring my purse to his cult building...them got damn son of a bitch!" "Instead of bother people, they need to stay home and fix that hair, clean that house...that's what Jehover wants" (none of these misspellings are typos, this is how my Granny pronounced things.......incorrectly. lol) The more my mom and I would laugh, the more she'd get mad and keep on going, then the Cajun French kicked in.
If there is anything I learned from my Granny during those times it is that most churches are out to get your money (debatable) and that if your house isn't already clean, your time is best spent making sure that is done.....and you should never "Go in the public looking like an animal with that hair hanging in that face...oughta be ashame!"
No one will ever understand the degree to which I miss that woman. Ever.......
Thursday, March 7, 2013
So, it finally happened. The day I've dreaded since kindergarten. When I was five years old, a girl in my class told me she wasn't at school the prior day because her "Maw Maw" died. (Southern term for grandma) I stared at her in disbelief. "What was wrong with your Grandma? Mine isn't gonna die". She told me that her father told her that all people die and go to Heaven. I had heard this before, but I was sure that my Granny would die at the same time as me when we were both really old, probably 50 and we would be the same age and go to heaven together. At the time I didn't realize that my Granny was 56 and that she was 51 when I was born, and that 50 wasn't 100 years old, like it seemed to me then. It also never entered my mind that I wouldn't grow up and be the same age as she, at the same time. Funny how our little innocent minds process things..come to our own little conclusions about life and the things we don't understand about it.
See, my Granny was so much more than a grandmother to me. I didn't have a father, so she filled that role. She loved me so much, and in a way that only she could. Her love for me was different than any other love Id ever experienced, personal to the relationship she shared with me. From that day forward (for a really long time, lol) I would tell my Granny at night "Grandma Adley, if you die tonight, come and tell me first, so I can go with you." She didn't understand, that first time, so I told her what happened to my classmate. Granny said " Babe, her MawMaw was probably sick and older than me, im not gonna leave you for a long time."
Can you imagine what that must have been like? Everyday, your granddaughter reminds you of your mortality? I guess when I was about eleven, she finally said "April, that's enough! I'm tired of hearing that!" But my Granny was true to her word. She stayed with me as long as she could. She was almost 87 years old on January 19th 2013 (would have been 87 on February 20th) when she laid her head on my mother's kitchen table and left her body.
For about 3 weeks prior, I "couldn't wait" until January 19th. I had Jagged Edge concert tickets and I was finally going to see them in person. Imagine my guilt, after it hit me that I had rushed the last few weeks, not realizing that I "couldn't wait" for the day my Granny left this world.
I had been journaling for about 6 years (in between my own life's dramas) about my grandmother. I had planned to write her memoires. I never really thought she wouldn't be here when it was finished...I just never imagined she would really die. Im a nurse. I take care of the elderly and they often die. It takes its toll on my heart, but Im always comforted in knowing they are in a better place. So, yes, realistically, I knew she one day would die, but at the same time, I thought it would be on my terms...when I was ready, and that she would tell me first.
This blog will be sad. This blog will be funny. This blog will chronicle the life of, and sometimes just randomly read, my Grandmother. She wasn't rich or famous. But she was one of the most special people Ive ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is responsible, in part, for who I am today. I am a part of her. I am proof that she was here. She wasn't an educated woman. She had to quit school in 6th grade to help her mother with her siblings. She married early and had her first child at 15 years old. She was a tough little Cajun lady from Evangeline, Louisiana. And, to me, she knew everything. To me, she was everything.
She wasn't just my grandmother, she was my father and best friend. She taught me how to raise my children. She wasn't a lovey dovey, cookie baking grandma. She was a salty little lady, with a balanced head on her shoulders. A woman who knew pain, suffering and strife. A woman who the world hadn't been the kindest to, but she loved her descendants with everything she had in her.
That's all for now, but if you'll join me, you'll go on an amazing ride of love, laughter, heartache and pain. My Granny was not all of these wonderful things because I loved her or because she is gone now. She was all of these wonderful things because that's the way God designed her. Rest in peace, my sweet, sweet Granny, your work here is done. I love you.
See, my Granny was so much more than a grandmother to me. I didn't have a father, so she filled that role. She loved me so much, and in a way that only she could. Her love for me was different than any other love Id ever experienced, personal to the relationship she shared with me. From that day forward (for a really long time, lol) I would tell my Granny at night "Grandma Adley, if you die tonight, come and tell me first, so I can go with you." She didn't understand, that first time, so I told her what happened to my classmate. Granny said " Babe, her MawMaw was probably sick and older than me, im not gonna leave you for a long time."
Can you imagine what that must have been like? Everyday, your granddaughter reminds you of your mortality? I guess when I was about eleven, she finally said "April, that's enough! I'm tired of hearing that!" But my Granny was true to her word. She stayed with me as long as she could. She was almost 87 years old on January 19th 2013 (would have been 87 on February 20th) when she laid her head on my mother's kitchen table and left her body.
For about 3 weeks prior, I "couldn't wait" until January 19th. I had Jagged Edge concert tickets and I was finally going to see them in person. Imagine my guilt, after it hit me that I had rushed the last few weeks, not realizing that I "couldn't wait" for the day my Granny left this world.
I had been journaling for about 6 years (in between my own life's dramas) about my grandmother. I had planned to write her memoires. I never really thought she wouldn't be here when it was finished...I just never imagined she would really die. Im a nurse. I take care of the elderly and they often die. It takes its toll on my heart, but Im always comforted in knowing they are in a better place. So, yes, realistically, I knew she one day would die, but at the same time, I thought it would be on my terms...when I was ready, and that she would tell me first.
This blog will be sad. This blog will be funny. This blog will chronicle the life of, and sometimes just randomly read, my Grandmother. She wasn't rich or famous. But she was one of the most special people Ive ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is responsible, in part, for who I am today. I am a part of her. I am proof that she was here. She wasn't an educated woman. She had to quit school in 6th grade to help her mother with her siblings. She married early and had her first child at 15 years old. She was a tough little Cajun lady from Evangeline, Louisiana. And, to me, she knew everything. To me, she was everything.
She wasn't just my grandmother, she was my father and best friend. She taught me how to raise my children. She wasn't a lovey dovey, cookie baking grandma. She was a salty little lady, with a balanced head on her shoulders. A woman who knew pain, suffering and strife. A woman who the world hadn't been the kindest to, but she loved her descendants with everything she had in her.
That's all for now, but if you'll join me, you'll go on an amazing ride of love, laughter, heartache and pain. My Granny was not all of these wonderful things because I loved her or because she is gone now. She was all of these wonderful things because that's the way God designed her. Rest in peace, my sweet, sweet Granny, your work here is done. I love you.
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